How to Vet a BDSM Partner — Dr. Gloria Brame
Vetting a BDSM partner is an old tradition. But how do you vet a BDSMer you only met online?
Long ago and far away, the Community was small and tight, meeting up at underground clubs and private parties. That made it fairly easy to know who was a regular and to gain some information before we went home with them. You could ask friends and acquaintances if they knew them; if they did not, they might suggest someone who could.
When newcomers showed up, we asked them questions and observed how they behaved in person. Often, we felt that if they were able to find their way into our then-marginal world, they were probably “one of us.”
But “stranger danger” always lurked. We’ve all read horror stories about dangerous insiders who turned out to be sexual predators Today, many of us have grown accustomed to hooking up with strangers. We may secretly think, “That won’t happen to me! I listen to crime podcasts, I know the signs.” Unfortunately, that’s exactly the kind of person who may get hurt because no one, and I do mean no one, can predict when a toxic person may cross your path and charm you into believing they are safe, sane, and consensual.
Of course, there were always people who never bothered to vet new partners. Fortunately, most get away with it. Still, some got caught up with deceitful creeps and paid a heavy toll. Don’t risk becoming one of them. Learn how to vet a BDSM partner.
Vetting Is All About Self-Protection
The new norm is that newcomers start their journeys online. With a vast sea of eager potential partners, vetting demands more self-control than ever before and a sincere commitment to personal safety.
It’s on you — whatever role you intend to take — to make sure the person who arouses your lust online is not scum in real life. It’s easy to be fooled by catfishers and con artists. Vetting exists to mitigate those risks.
Also, be aware that if you’re a newbie you can easily get sabotaged by what we call (though frenzy can happen to doms too). It’s a craving for BDSM that subconsciously makes a person so hungry for experience that they ignore flaming red flags.
The old underground safety mechanisms are gone. Today’s BDSM world demands proactive self-protection. And that means learning to vet them before you play with them.
Meet as Equals First
No matter how submissive or slavish your fantasies, before you commit, you must operate as equals. Be on the alert if someone insists that you call them Master/Mistress or, conversely, acts as if they are already your slave. They are manipulating your emotions. If you’re sub, it means they expect you to act submissive before you know if you can trust them. If you’re dom, the sub is making you their top without your consent.
You cannot negotiate limits and set boundaries unless you feel free to speak your mind. If they require you to psychologically submit or dominate before you even know who they are, it’s a red flag that they are objectifying you.
( Aside: this does not apply to sessions with a professional dominant, where roleplay may begin immediately.)
Don’t Start in Role
Until you are ready to enter a power relationship, interact as equals. Evaluate them as you would anyone you’d like to be with long-term.
Is there good chemistry? Are they easy to talk to? Do you share core values? Are they open about their lives and their history with kink?
If the whole conversation centers on what they want and expect you to be and do for them, they don’t see you as a human but as an object. Being objectified may be hot in a scene but it’s hellish in a relationship.
Text, Talk, and Take Your Time
Engage with someone through texts and emails for a couple of weeks at minimum. This reduces the chances of wasting time on a date. For kinky folk, there’s also the risk of being blinded by lust if there is physical chemistry.
After texting, comes voice contact. After that, livestream with them. Some people will make it through text and phone without red flags, then turn out to be decades older than the photo they sent you.
A live meeting online helps assure both sides they are truthful about their age and appearance. If they won’t livestream, they could be hiding something — like an unknowing spouse or a prison guard.
During your conversations, you should not limit discussion to kink and fetish, but all the stuff potential new partners tell each other. Exchange info on your age, relationship status, the type of work you do, your passions in life, STI/health status, and other normal information you’d expect to learn while dating non-kinky people.
Don’t hesitate to do a background check if you’re concerned about conflicting information or gaps in their history. Use AI or Google Images to check that the photo(s) they send are authentic and not a scammer using stolen pornstar pics. I’ve had clients fall hard for people who weren’t real and it was heartbreaking.
You Are Not Submissive Without Informed Consent
Some subs claim they are ready to give up all control of their lives to people they barely know. It’s typical of male subs, in particular, to throw themselves at the feet of the first dom who looks good. That’s one example of “sub frenzy” taking over where common sense is required.
No matter what a dom may tell you, no one is your master/mistress (or sub/slave) until you have explicitly consented to start a power relationship with them.
(Check out How to Pick a Dom Who’s Right For You).
Discuss Kink Styles and Needs
A first or second date doesn’t require the kind of in-depth discussions of limits you will negotiate when you’re ready to commit to them. Still, it’s crucial to address some aspects of BDSM right up front.
Find Out Their Kink Style
Are they looking for the same TYPE of relationship you want? Do they want a lasting relationship or something low-key and fun? Are they monogamous, polyamorous, or something else, and does that choice match your relationship preferences?
Similarly, you may already know they are dom or sub, but what KIND of dom or sub are they? Do they want 24/7? Master/slave? Ethically non-monogamous kink? BDSM in the sheets, normative in the streets? These questions count if you’re seeking long-term compatibility.
Discuss Consent, Limits, and Aftercare
After you figure out if your kink style is compatible, it’s time to begin discussing issues of consent. Do they use safe-words? Do you? What does consent look like to you both? Do you follow a specific model (SSC, RACK, PRICK, CNC, etc.)?
Next, what are their basic limits and what are yours? Go deep on this one. It’s harsh when you think you are in accord on limits only to discover their definition of limits clashes with yours.
Finally, if you want aftercare, it’s important to say so upfront. Don’t expect every kinky person to offer or accept it. Make sure you’re on the same page. An awkward or hurtful ending to a fun scene can make a person forget about the good parts.
Vetting Is Is For Your Safety
One of the best things about BDSM is that it’s a consent-based system. That involves deep conversations about personal values, and hearing the answers that build trust. If you can’t trust them — and you CANNOT trust any stranger, no matter how hot or self-confident they may seem — you can’t give them informed consent. So be more reflective than reactive at first.
Your feelings matter — your physical safety matters. In sum, you matter. Keep that at the forefront of your mind and vet deliberately every time. Your chances of finding the happiness you deserve will soar.
photo credit: Kaitlyn Baker https://unsplash.com/@kaitlynbaker
Originally published at https://gloriabrame.com on May 3, 2024. My next blog will explore the frenzy that can possess a person (sub, switch, or dom!) during the first stages of kink explorations. Be sure to sign up for my newsletter to be notified whenever there’s new blog content.
